Recommendations for managing difficult conversations

Choose curiosity over anger, fear and defensiveness

Conflict and disagreement are a normal part of life – and are not inherently bad! Conflict can fuel or personal and professional growth, and healthy conflict can help us see things a different way and even improve on an existing idea.

It’s important to enter a conflict not with the goal to win but rather to learn. Ask yourself, “Am I open to changing my mind? Are they?”

If you’re looking to prove someone wrong, or the other person isn’t acting in good faith, it’s probably best to step away.

T.H.I.N.K.

If you’re already engaged in conversation, take a breath and think through this acronym: T.H.I.N.K.

Ask yourself, “Is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? If the answer is no to any of these questions, it’s probably best to stay silent or reframe what you intended to say.

Also consider your intentions for the conversation. What are you hoping happens as a result of the conversation? How important is this relationship to you? Are you being humble, vulnerable and willing to learn, or are you simply out to win an argument? What are the other person’s intentions?

If they’re not willing to meet you with the same intentions, it might not be a healthy conversation to be engaged in.

A.W.A.R.E.

You can also use the acronym A.W.A.R.E.

Acknowledge your feelings throughout the conversation.

Wait to speak and instead listen holistically.

Anticipate your response and topics that are especially hard for you to discuss.

Respirate and care for yourself by breathing intentionally throughout the discussion.

Educate yourself by listening to the other person, including the phrases, explanations and data they use so that you can do your research and learn more.

Open-ended questions

Consider asking open-ended questions, which open up possibilities rather than close them off.

These could include:

“Help me understand your viewpoint a little better. What experience or source is leading you to this conclusion?”

“I’m not sure I’m fully grasping your point. Could you say it another way?”

“I admit I’m more persuaded by evidence that points in another direction, but I’m interested in how you got to where you are. What’s the key thing that’s leading you to conclude this?”

Restating

It’s a good step to begin any response by restating what someone has said in our own words.

Research shows that this simple move – conveying that we’ve actually been listening, not merely biding our time until we can issue a snappy retort – goes a long way toward fostering a reciprocal willingness to listen to what we have to say.

If we can underline some point of agreement, however small, as we lead into our question, that also can make a huge difference.

Empathy

It’s also a good idea to demonstrate empathy. You can do this by perspective taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing and communicating emotion.

Being vulnerable

Conversations are hard, and being vulnerable is even harder.

Be brave and look back over past discussions and think how you could improve your next conversation. And remember, you can’t control another person’s behavior, nor are you likely to change their mind. You can, however, take accountability for yourself and your own thoughts and actions.

Set your boundaries as needed and don’t be afraid to maintain them and come back to your intentions if the conversation begins to go in a different direction.